Friday, January 14, 2011

Transcendence- Alex

Alex, 2010


My name is Alejandro.   I identify as Trans and queer, having always been attracted to both women and men.  Knew I should have been born a boy at a very young age.   Didn't want dolls or girl-ish things.  Never felt female.  Girls called me Tomboy.  Boyish.  Mannish. Puberty felt like a cruel joke with its blood and bras.  Didn't know where to look in the high school locker rooms.  Embraced my bisexuality in college.  I was frustrated with my body, almost trying to live my life in spite of it.  Fell in love with the curly red-haired girl.  She broke my heart like no other has or ever will.  Enjoyed fuck-buddy romps with a campus bad boy soccer player.  Came out as queer. 
In 2008, someone I met saw the man trapped inside me.  Alive doesn't explain how I felt.  I did what I had to do.  Sometimes it seems as if nothing has changed except my body.  Other times, it's as if I'm doing everything for the first time all over again.  I used to think taking the steps to transition was the most selfish thing I could ever do.  All the people I was afraid of losing; my family, my friends, the women I loved were in the balance.  The ultimate sacrifice for the ultimate selfish act.  Quid pro quo.  I was right.  It was selfish.  But I did it anyway. And I’d do it again, only sooner.  It is never too late to live your life as who you are. 
My family has nothing but love and support for me.  Old friends I've kept in touch with continue to be especially dear friends.  Among my new friends are some of the most courageous and extraordinary people:  Aaron, Jesse, and Tony.  I can honestly say I would not be here if it wasn't for each one of those men.  Each one stepping into my life when he did was nothing short of divine intervention.  Yes, some folks have distanced themselves, some need time to get used to me, or just stopped talking to me. What is lost is not missed.  I expected as much from the start.  What was not anticipated was the community, and the acceptance.  I am so not alone.  I am free to be myself.  Still queer after all these years.  I am my own man.  -Alex

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